How To Prepare For A Debt-Ceiling Apocalypse

President Obama’s been warning of dire consequences if Congress fails to meet a debt ceiling compromise. While calling your representative might push legislators in the right direction, we’d all be derelict in our duty if we didn’t start making personal preparations for the debt ceiling apocalypse that awaits us next week. Here’s a seven-part guide to preserving your financial future and your physical safety if the worst comes to pass:

As interest rates rise, avoid, at all costs, foreclosing on gypsies with adjustable-rate mortgages.

Hire Krysten Ritter to help you figure out how to get your credit card debt under control as quickly as is humanely possible before your APR goes up:

Keep a reserve of tuppence on hand to avoid getting crushed in bank runs — enough so you’ll feel financially secure in case of 401(k) fluctuations, but don’t withdraw so much that you’ll cripple the British tea industry:

As state budgets contract, public servants should steel themselves for the arrival of overenthusiastic department auditors:

If you’re in danger of losing your job, absolutely refuse to be terminated by anyone who is less handsome than George Clooney:

If all attempts at financial prudence are for nought, sign up for a chain gang (though run by someone other than Joe Arpaio). At least you’ll keep getting to go to the movies:

And if all fails, hole up in the Winchester: