Rating This Year’s Holiday Music

It’s the holiday season, which means it’s time for a bunch of people to release parody songs, try to rile folks up by getting edgy, or simply to make their share of the annual market. Here are the contenders so far:

1. Johnny Depp, making a cameo on Babybird’s “Jesus Stag Night Club”: Oh, people, this is not good. If you’re at the level of describing Jesus as having “hair like a lady/ Bloody thorns round his ear like he was a crazy,” you’re telling us a lot more about your powers of observation and ability to write creative lyrics — and apparently, your fondness for Tucker Max-inflected bros’ nights out. Take one of this article for The Onion and call me when you have better ideas. And Christians who are offended? Let this one go. It’s not going to find legs:

2. In the parody category, “You’re A Mean One, Newt Gingrich: Points off for sexist and creative fail referring to Callista as a “bimbo,” and for the media criticism fail of missing the Judd Apatow revolution in telling us “Unless you’re there for pity or laughs, a portly man will never find success on TV, unless you’re Santa Claus, of course.” That said, it’s a decent facsimile, of course. And given the depths that the Republican presidential field has sunk to, musically, this is fitting. Still, it’s hard to beat Adam Sandler for loose, goofy holiday parody.

3. She & Him, “Baby It’s Cold Outside”: My extreme dislike of New Girl doesn’t mean my heart is too stony to occasionally be softened by the dulcet tones of Zooey Deschanel’s side hustle. As Bitch points out, the song doesn’t get any less date-rapey when you swap the genders (the parts in the original song are labeled “mouse” and “wolf”). But the light touch and the creepy material still make this nicely unnerving in a way Johnny Depp and his pals could only dream of:

4. Yoko Ono and the Flaming Lips, “Atlas Eets Chrismas”: They go all Kings’ Chorus and world-historical empathetic on this, and I’m not going to lie. It’s both totally corny and kind of great: