16 Things Super Bowl Ads Would Like You to Know About Women in 2012

What would I do without Super Bowl ads to explain my own gender to me? Truly, I would be lost. Super Bowl 2012 actually seemed less egregiously sexist than previous years, even given the inevitable GoDaddy ad, so predictably gross that I don’t even include it here. But taken together, the ads form a pretty striking portrait of how American industry views American ladies. Let’s take a look, shall we?

1. Women don’t invent things (people of color don’t either), but they will sell you electronics:

2. When we’re superheroes, we get the cute little guns that can fit in a purse:

3. Seriously. Combat never stops us from looking hot:

4. That said, go up against a dude, and we’re super-defenseless:

5. You can make everything better by turning it into an unclothed woman who acts, quite literally, as an object for your use:

6. We live to seduce you so you will purchase motor vehicles:

7. Buy us flowers, and we will give you unreciprocated oral:

8. Because really, we’re more into yogurt than having sex:

9. Although we do dream of being rescued:

10. Which is maybe something we should work on, since it looks like none of us will survive the apocalypse:

11. Old ladies, though? Totally badass.

12. Even though they need insurance companies to help them make decisions:

13. Also, ladies are good at selling real estate:

14. And not acting like morons at parties:

15. Props to Budweiser for recognizing that ladies a) drink beer, b) like sports just as much as men:

16. Especially since the NFL seems to think we don’t play fantasy football: