Why Conservatives Will Lose the Culture War, The Conservative Teen Edition

The latest exhibit in the desperate squareness of right-wing cultural production is The Conservative Teen, a magazine clearly designed more for parents who want to hold back the tide on their children’s inevitably progressing adolescence than for children themselves. Everything about it is wrong, from the weird interstitial definitions of terms like “cameo” and “eugenics,” which ought to be familiar to reasonably well-educated kids in the target demographic, to the fact that it’s being distributed in an awkward PDF reader rather than being made available as an app or in shareable pages that are well-integrated with social media.

And then there’s the content itself, in, say, this wildly outdated piece about Glee:

Conservatives have to wonder what’s “quirky and sweet” about a show in which half the teenagers are sexually confused and the other half are sleeping around, or how ridiculing conservative principles and figures equals a “nonpartisan funfest.”…In between the songs and the jokes, “Glee’s” audience is treated to homosexuality, underage drinking, hookups and teen pregnancy. The production numbers themselves are often smutty (smutty: obscene, indecent), as when the character of “Rachel” wore a belly-showing, bra-bearing shirt and an extremely short skirt, channeling Britney Spears’ infamous Catholic school-girl outfit when she performed the hit “Baby One More Time” in a Spears tribute episode.

Rachel Berry’s midriff is coming for your children, and if you can’t convince them to resist it, there is nothing you can do to stop it.