What The 2013 Super Bowl Taught Me About Gender

The Super Bowl comes just once a year with its orgy of wings consumption, its highly-anticipated halftime show, the football, and the multi-million dollar ad spots. The latter are a fascinating exhibit of whatever America is thinking about gender—or what advertising executives think America is thinking about gender—at any given moment. And as is always the case, there were babes, beers, and Danica Patrick chipperly selling out the rest of her fellow women for a lot of GoDaddy’s money. But for once, it wasn’t all apocalyptically terrible. Here’s what the Super Bowl taught me about gender in 2013, from best to worst:

The Good:

1. Ladies? We’re just as capable of being passionate sports fans as men—and just as capable of being devious if we think we can snag our team an advantage. Bonus points for turning household chores into a tool of team loyalty:

2. Princesses can lead armies:

3. Real men play princess with their daughters rather than blowing them off to hang out with their bros—even if they need Doritos as incentives:

The Bad

1. Ladies: overly-attached to their mothers:

2. Also, we’re big fans of being lied to in charming fashion, particularly when it involves a guy we’ve never met and our intimate apparel:

3. The polite thing to do after a one-night stand with a woman is to sneak out on her, even if it means undressing her in her sleep:

The Ugly

1. You know what makes you a man? Grabbing a girl, kissing her without her consent—because of course, she’ll love it in the end—and getting punched in the face (bonus points for shark-punching):

2. Sex education is terrifying! Fortunately, there’s a car that will help you distract your offspring: a Kia:

3. Hot chicks must be dumb. Nerds must be ugly. Together, you will find them super-gross and titillating: