Bush launches Unendangered Species List, phones “Rename the Polar Bear” winner

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"Bush launches Unendangered Species List, phones “Rename the Polar Bear” winner"

Washington, DC — April 1: In a surprise move, the Bush Administration today replaced the Endangered Species List with the Unendangered Species List.

In a news conference, the President said, “I have been advisored that my climate, air, and water policies now threaten most living things. Thorny, the Interior guy — I like to call him the Exterior guy, heh, heh, heh — anyway, Thorny says that compiling the old list would have added $1 billion to the deficit over the next ten years.”

Secretary Kempthorne introduced the new list saying, “We just felt it would be a lot easier to identify the species not endangered by our policies.”

The Secretary’s staff handed out a single page containing the entire list, which includes Rattus rattus, kudzu and Toxicodendron radicans, Blattella germanica, Plasmodium falciparum and Plasmodium vivax, endroctonus ponderosae, African trypanosomiasis and tse-tse fly, tubercle bacillus, the order Scorpiones, the algae supergroups, and the entire Cactaceae and mosquito families.

Bush then added, “That Thorny — he’s like some sort of Noah guy.”

INTRODUCING THE BIPOLAR BEAR

polar-bear-tongue.jpeg

In a related story, the President called the winner of the “Rename the Polar Bear” contest, Dr. Sara Bellum of Nome, Alaska. As reported earlier, rather than attempting to protect the polar bears’ Arctic habitat, which is expected to be ice free by 2020, the Interior Department held a contest to simply give Ursus maritimus a new name.

Dr. Bellum, a taxidermist and practicing psychiatrist, explained her winning entry, “I noticed the bears were getting very sad and tired in the summer when the sea ice melted and they had to spend more and more effort catching fewer and fewer seals. But then come the fall they began moving inland, frantically eating everything in sight, rummaging through garbage and attacking people, which, perversely, seemed to make them quite happy, at least for a while. So that’s where I came up with the name. Bipolar bear. Ursus manic-depressus. I never expected a call from the President. He asked if he could call me ‘brainy.’ Like I haven’t heard that one before.”

The first runner up was Danish mathematician, Bj¸rn Lomborg, with his entry “Ralop Bear.” Lomborg, a well known global warming delayer and practicing taxidermist, has long argued that polar bears would rapidly evolve backwards toward their brown bear ancestors from whom they diverged tens of thousands of years ago. Bj¸rn, whose name coincidentally means bear, could not be reached for comment, but a post on his blog explained, “Ralop — it’s ‘Polar’ backwards. Get it?”

According to Interior staffers, Ursus manic-depressus is the only large mammal on the Unendangered Species List.

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6 Responses to Bush launches Unendangered Species List, phones “Rename the Polar Bear” winner

  1. Paul K says:

    I watched the president’s news conference on C-span. You misquoted him. He said advisorated. CNN reported the third place new bear name was ursus taurus-fecus, submitted by radio talk show host Hugh Hewitt. I think that the real answer is to reclassify the bears as large otters.

  2. danny bloom says:

    The title of this work-in-progress, like many of the details, is evolving: Perhaps “What is Missing,” perhaps simply “Missing.” But the theme is clear: Maya Lin’s finale will grieve for the animals, birds and plants driven into extinction — and warn of the urgency of acting now to halt the devastation.

    Lin envisions it as a multisite chronicle, including photography and video, at places around the world and with a commemorative list of names — this time the names of extinct species.

    http://www.calendarlive.com/tv/radio/cl-et-mayalin1apr01,0,4037888.story

  3. RILEY says:

    SUCH A CUTE BEAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  4. Allan H says:

    It seems that as much technology as mankind has, he still doesn’t have the power to save the thousands of species that have perished with his increasing numbers. Nor does he have the power to reduce those numbers (numbers of devastated species and the increasing number of individuals in his own species).

    It seems that the problems with global warming must have been a long time coming.

  5. SuperDave says:

    What a bunch of hogwash, do your homework, i.e actual research you do for yourself, before you believe all the crap they’re feeding you is really true. I know I’m probably wasting my breath, but at least give it a shot, before you continue with your crass and asinine comments