Climate

Massive flow of BS continues to gush from BP

LONDON””As the crisis in the Gulf of Mexico entered its eighth week Wednesday, fears continued to grow that the massive flow of bullshit still gushing from the headquarters of oil giant BP could prove catastrophic if nothing is done to contain it.

The toxic bullshit, which began to spew from the mouths of BP executives shortly after the explosion of the Deepwater Horizon oil rig in April, has completely devastated the Gulf region, delaying cleanup efforts, affecting thousands of jobs, and endangering the lives of all nearby wildlife.

Dense streams of shit are expected to continue spreading throughout the region and the entire United States.

America’s Finest News Source has more on this fast-breaking story:

“Everything we can see at the moment suggests that the overall environmental impact of this will be very, very modest,” said BP CEO Tony Hayward, letting loose a colossal stream of undiluted bullshit. “The Gulf of Mexico is a very big ocean, and the volume of oil we are putting into it is tiny in relation to the total volume of water.”

According to sources, the sheer quantity of bullshit pouring out of Hayward is unprecedented, and it has thoroughly drenched the coastlines of Louisiana, Mississippi, Alabama, and Florida, with no end in sight.

Though no one knows exactly how much of the dangerous bullshit is currently gushing from BP headquarters, estimates put the number at somewhere between 25,000 and 70,000 words a day.

“We’re looking at a truly staggering load of shit here,” said Rebecca Palmer, an environmental scientist at the University of Georgia, who claimed that only BP has the ability to stem the flow of bullshit and plug it at its source. “And this is just the beginning””we’re only seeing the surface-level bullshit. It could be years before we sift through it all and figure out just how deep this bullshit goes.”

Congressional hearings aimed at stopping the bullshit have thus far failed to do so, with officials from BP and its contractors Halliburton and Transocean only adding to the powerful torrents of bullshit by blaming one another for the accident.

Along with the region’s wildlife and fragile ecosystem, countless livelihoods have been jeopardized by BP’s unchecked flow of corporate shit. Those who depend on fishing or tourism for their income are already feeling the noxious effects of the bullshit firsthand, as out-of-control platitudes begin to reach land and seep ashore.

“This bullshit, it’s everywhere,” said Louisiana fisherman Doug LaRoux, who lost his house to a tide of government bullshit following Hurricane Katrina. “It reeks. Big buckets of disgusting shit are oozing everywhere you look and I don’t know if it’s ever going to stop. I feel helpless”

Added LaRoux, “I never thought I’d be the victim of so much bullshit.”

Observers have noted that after the Exxon Valdez spill in 1989, corporate bullshit gushed up like a geyser for two decades and didn’t wane until the oil company had bullshit its way through an exhaustive process of court appeals that ultimately reduced payouts to victims by 90 percent.

Despite Hayward’s denials that BP is at fault for the environmental disaster and his concern that it will result in “illegitimate” American lawsuits, the embattled CEO has still managed to trickle out a few last drips of bullshit sympathy for Gulf Coast residents.

“I’m as devastated as you are by this,” Hayward said after a meeting with cleanup crews on Louisiana’s Fourchon Beach. “We will clean every last drop up and we will remediate all of the environmental damage.”

“There’s no one that wants this thing over with more than I do,” he added a week later, just absolutely defying belief with the thickest, most dangerous bullshit yet. “I’d like my life back.”

Millions of Americans reported feeling ill and disoriented upon contact with that particularly vile plume of bullshit.

Many environmentalists, including Palmer, have called for a boycott of BP until the bullshit stops or is at least under control, but they emphasize that in the long term, Americans will have to change their habits if they wish to avoid future catastrophes.

“We must all work together if we’re going to cure our nation of this addiction,” Palmer said. “The sad fact is, the United States has been running on bullshit for decades.”

The Onion

21 Responses to Massive flow of BS continues to gush from BP

  1. Zach P says:

    God bless satire and parody…especially when it’s spot-on.

  2. prokaryote says:

    This image portrays BP’s PR & Actions
    http://i.imgur.com/GAsdI.png

    I for one hope that this disaster helps to switch faster to solar & wind tech – clean energy. Peak oil, climate change, economy down … actualy the switch to renewable energy is the only way to go.

    Actualy oil companies can profit from a technology update too and can get rid of the environment issue – once they adapt. The money needed for greenwashing, fines – compensation, bad headlines and image, long term impacts – would be all gone, once they collect energy from renewables.

    Oil should only be used for products which can only be made from oil and not for burning it.

  3. Jeff Huggins says:

    Yes, well, although I agree that there’s a huge BS problem on this one, and that the stakes are very high, let’s also remember (for coming weeks) that the stakes are immense and unimaginable with climate change, and the BS being offered by ExxonMobil, the API, BP, and the entire industry on that issue overwhelms the BS we are experiencing on the present matter. Really, truly, a vital and necessary aspect of our response to climate change will NEED to involve dramatic improvement in the mainstream media in order to shine light on, and address, BS involving the climate change problem. I don’t see us making sufficient progress unless we solidly prompt the media to get their act together, one way or another.

    Cheers,

    Jeff

  4. mike roddy says:

    Good one, Joe.

    I think that the shit coming out of BP should result in financial penalties. Fraud about the flow level, resulting in public endangerment, should alone enable serious action, and the criminal negligence in safety measures should be icing on the cake.

    The wealthy stockholders and Board members don’t care if Hayward gets the gas chamber. His annual salary is chump change to them, and they enabled this kind of management. Let’s hit the owners of that company where it hurts- in their bank accounts.

  5. fj2 says:

    Funny as hell and amazingly true.

    Hopefully, when the president and his advisors figure out how cut through it all.

    They’ll know which way to go.

  6. Ryan T says:

    But, but, bullshit is a renewable resource! If only it had as much fuel value, “Beyond Petroleum” might be an overnight reality.

  7. Chris Winter says:

    Yet another meaning for BP — bullshit plumes.

    In closely related news, hundreds turned out for Public Citizen’s “arrest” of Tony Hayward outside BP’s Washington headquarters.

    http://madrad2002.wordpress.com/2010/06/07/hundreds-show-up-for-citizens-arrest-of-bp/

  8. The Man says:

    I’m working on it.

    It would have been nice if they had gotten on this sooner.

    But you all know the lame euphemism : better late than never.

  9. Fredt34 says:

    About value: Well, Intelligence is valuable – but bullshit isn’t, ’cause ya know, resources are unlimited…

  10. Dan B says:

    Beyond Poo?

    (Beyond Pissed!) Oh the joys of a moniker that’s easy to rebrand!

  11. Steve Jones says:

    While I’m generally a fan of this blog, this post is somewhat disappointing. While the article from The Onion is a good piece that’s certainly of interest to readers here, I can’t see the justification for copy-and-pasting three quarters of it here. Why not just put up a short abstract and a prominent link to the article? If nothing else, this probably qualifies as copyright theft.

  12. Richard C says:

    Yet another piece about BP. There doesn’t seem to be the same level of interest in Transocean or Halliburton, you know, the ones actually doing the drilling. Is this America’s xenophobia raising its head?

  13. BBHY says:

    It is almost satire. Close, but not quite.

  14. BillD says:

    How can the BP CEO or anyone else image that it’s possible to subtantially clean up an oil spill, especially one that is spread through the water column and is washing up on thousands of miles of beaches and mashlands? Some journals write that the clean up will continue into the fall, as if that were news. Significant parts of the oil will be degraded by bacteria, evaporate in the air or will be buried by sediment. Very little will be cleaned up by humans and the impact will be felt for at least a decade. Hopefully BP will pay substantial amounts for lost wildlife, habitat and wages, but the idea of cleaning up more than a small amount just seems silly. The only real defense against is to prevent the spill in the first place.

    Evidently, Louisianna was losing something like 25 square miles of marsh per year before the spill. If that goes up to a couple of hundred of square miles per year, we might as well write off New Orleans very soon.

  15. Leland Palmer says:

    Uh, now they’re capturing 15,000 barrels of oil per day, from a well they said was producing 5,000 barrels per day.

    And they’re still not capturing all of it.

    Institutionalized corporate lying is a problem at the heart of the global warming problem.

    When caught lying, they seem to feel that lying and spinning are normal. Their reaction appears to be “well of course we’re lying, there is money involved”.

    How can good public policy be made on the basis of bad information?

  16. Leif says:

    Leland, when we get to 19,000 bpd, the high estimate, the problem is solved. We pick up 20%, typical recovery, of the spill and spread the rest to thin to “SEE” and hay, we are good to go.

  17. Ric Merritt says:

    This sad, juvenile excuse for a contribution to mature dialog cannot be allowed to pass without protest. Where do young people today get the idea they can just throw over all the cherished values they should have been taught while they were manufacturing virtual spitballs on those little gadgets they love so much?

    I am referring of course to the scandalous loss of our time-hallowed irregular verbs. Surely the past participial form is “had bullshat”. As Cicero doubtless would have said, contemplating the grievous blow to the seafood industry, O tempura, o morays!

  18. Doug Bostrom says:

    Richard C says: June 8, 2010 at 5:23 am

    Yet another piece about BP. There doesn’t seem to be the same level of interest in Transocean or Halliburton, you know, the ones actually doing the drilling. Is this America’s xenophobia raising its head?

    Yes, if only BP had been able to stop Transocean and Halliburton from forcing their way into BP’s corporate offices and demanding they be commissioned to drill.

    Poor BP, victimized by the Americans.

  19. Richard C says:

    Doug, thank you for a post exemplifying my point.

  20. prokaryote says:

    Oil Spill Birds Cooked Alive: Spill Will ‘Cook The Birds’ (VIDEO)
    http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2010/06/08/oil-spill-birds-cooked-al_n_604662.html