Millions of Barrels of Oil Safely Reach Port in Major Environmental Catastrophe

PORT FOURCHON, LA“”In what may be the greatest environmental disaster in the nation’s history, the supertanker TI Oceania docked without incident at the Louisiana Offshore Oil Port Monday and successfully unloaded 3.1 million barrels of dangerous crude oil into the United States.

Best.  Onion.  Ever.

Disaster strikes as massive quantities of oil reach their intended destination.

According to witnesses, the catastrophe began shortly after the tanker, which sailed unimpeded across the Gulf of Mexico, stopped safely at the harbor and made contact with oil company workers on the shore. Soon after, vast amounts of the black, toxic petroleum in the ship’s hold were unloaded at an alarming rate into special storage containers on the mainland.

From there, experts confirmed, the oil will likely spread across the entire country’s infrastructure and commit unforetold damage to its lakes, streams, and air.

“We’re looking at a crisis of cataclysmic proportions,” said Charles Hartsell, an environmental scientist at Tufts University. “In a matter of days, this oil may be refined into a lighter substance that, when burned as fuel in vehicles, homes, and businesses, will poison the earth’s atmosphere on a terrifying scale.”

“Time is of the essence,” Hartsell added. “If this is allowed to continue, the health of every American could be put at risk.”

Officials predicted that the oil could be carried as far north as Minneapolis and as far west as Honolulu. Hopes of containment are said to be scant, as the pipelines transporting the oil are numerous, massive, and buried deep underground, making it virtually impossible to dig them all up and reverse their flow back toward the TI Oceania.

“Our fear is that we’ll start seeing this stuff in tanker trucks headed to gas stations all over America,” Environmental Protection Agency official Ralph Linney said. “And once they start pumping it into individual cars for combustion, it’s all over.”

“How can we possibly contain this after it’s spread to 250 million vehicles, each one going in a different direction?” he added.

Experts are saying the oil tanker safely reaching port could lead to dire ecological consequences on multiple levels, including rising temperatures, disappearing shorelines, the eradication of countless species, extreme weather events, complete economic collapse, droughts that surpass the Dust Bowl, disease, wildfires, widespread human starvation, and endless, bloody wars fought over increasingly scarce resources.

Meanwhile, government officials, stunned to learn of the massive amounts of carbon dioxide that will be released into the atmosphere as a result of the TI Oceania tanker’s successful docking, have called for a full investigation into the disaster’s cause.

“I am shocked and horrified by this development,” Sen. James Inhofe (R-OK) said. “Rest assured, we will find the people responsible for allowing this to happen, and they will be held accountable. Every last one of them.”

Public opinion across the country has likewise turned from confusion to outrage, with many concerned Americans fearing that the worst may be yet to come.

“It’s scary stuff,” said Logansport, IN native Wayne Cummings, talking to reporters from behind the wheel of an idling Ford F-150 XLT pickup. “I read somewhere that it might take years before we know the full extent of the damage, and by that time it will be impossible to do anything about it.”


The Onion truly is “America’s Finest News Source.”

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14 Responses to Millions of Barrels of Oil Safely Reach Port in Major Environmental Catastrophe

  1. lizardo says:

    Glad to find you are cheered by it, as I found it rather snide and suspect that the writers are those who think those of us concerned about offshore oil drilling are a bunch of hypocritical weenies. Sigh.

    But an enjoyable read in its way. Thanks!

    [JR: Forest vs. trees, I think.]

  2. James Newberry says:

    And the government labels this foreign (and domestic) stuff an “energy resource,” when any student knows it is a (mined) liquid, a state of matter, a material resource. Thus, an entire economy and culture built on fraud. Call it, the fraud of energy.

    Where is my nuclear bailout bucket?

  3. catman306 says:

    Who writes this stuff? May they live long and prosper!

  4. Sumner says:

    Hilarious, and well done as usual.

    The Onion always makes ridiculously over the top statements, unfortunately the consequences listed are all too real.

    I’m sure Inhofe wouldn’t be happy to see his name used.

  5. darth says:

    Love the ‘quote’ from Inhofe.

  6. Jeff Huggins says:

    No Need To Warry

    There’s no need to worry. The magical magnificent market and its invisible hand will fix this is no time, just as surely as Sorcerer Mickey can make broomsticks dance!

    We just need to leave this to the Tex Unrealsons of the world, to let them do what they do best.

    Meanwhile, GM should get the gubbermint out of its busyness so that it can continue to push more and more cars in China, nevermind that we are trying to get China to reduce emissions too, but the magic market will take care of it, and with the Chaiman of GM already on Xzon’s Board, I’m sure he and Tex are already talkin about things. And Why is there air anyhow . . . to blow up basketballs and volleyballs … oops sorry lost track. Need coffee quick.

    I’m sure The New York Times will add senselessness to sense, or is that the other way around? They’ll give us the story straight. Bill Keller — son of Chevron’s Chairman in the 1980s George Keller — will make sure that The Times serves the public good . . . to whoever or whatever wants to eat us. (Get it? “Serves” the public?! Sorry.)

    And anyway Andy, where is that open letter to the news media and journalism community that you were going to write?

    We’re going to have to redouble efforts people! Write twice as many letters to your representatives, leave twice as many phone messages, and attend twice as many once-every-six-month events! Redouble!

    (Sorry for that one. It’s my mood today, I guess.)

    The best advice I can offer today is to listen to Laurie Anderson’s (Andersen’s?) album “Homeland”. It’s great. I can’t say that I agree with every lyric — I can’t understand some of them — but it’s very thought-provoking and should help provoke us to think more creatively.

    Now remember, redouble. The Senate is broken and Tex Unrealson has about fifty billion dollars to spend however he likes, to keep the stuff flowing. (And you professional leftists should get drug tested, in case you haven’t heard.)

    Sorry for that too.

    Reporting from Los Gatos,



  7. fj2 says:

    Classic! Should go viral.

  8. French says:

    Yes I totally agree. We have to drammatically reduce our dependenace on oil and use alternative energies.

  9. Bali says:

    See that’s why we have to ramp up our space exploration program – to find another planet to live on after we have ruined this one.

  10. Glenn Magus Harvey says:

    Is this comedy gold, black gold, or black humor?

  11. fj2 says:

    Deconstructing the Climate Bill Collapse (PBS NewsHour)

    “What Happened to Democrats’ Energy, Climate Change Energy Plans?”

  12. Prokaryotes says:

    “Is this comedy gold, black gold, or black humor?”

    It’s a pervert truth – now part of human evolution. Metaphorical speak, humans grown up now and have to stop with trashing everything. Mommy earth tells us … adapt or die.

  13. Dave says:

    As refreshing as a good Colbert episode. Comedy and satire are valuable tools in this fight, and the Onion does it well.

  14. Prokaryotes says:

    Intervention: The Story of American Danny Trailer