Major new report finds “Global warming issue from 2 or 3 years ago may still be problem”

WASHINGTON — According to a report released this week by the Center for Global Development, climate change, the popular mid-2000s issue that raised awareness of the fact that the earth’s continuous rise in temperature will have catastrophic ecological effects, has apparently not been resolved, and may still be a problem.

Okay, it’s just another killer piece from The Onion.  It may not be quite as funny as “Apple Unveils New Product-Unveiling Product,” but it’s a must-read nonetheless:

This 2007 chart predicting rising temperatures worldwide could still possibly be worth looking at today.

“Global warming, if you remember correctly, was the single greatest problem of our lifetime back in 2007 and the early part of 2008,” CGD president Nancy Birdsall said. “But then the debates over Social Security reform and the World Trade Center mosque came up, and the government had to shift its focus away from the dramatic rise in sea levels, the rapid spread of deadly infectious diseases, and the imminent destruction of our entire planet.”

Continued Birdsall, “Because the problem of global warming and massive environmental devastation appears to be lingering, however, the time may be right for the federal government to consider dealing with it again in some way.”

According to the 300-page document, though global warming””and the worldwide homelessness and drought associated with it””was a desperate problem immediately following the release of the Academy Award-winning documentary An Inconvenient Truth, China’s undervalued currency, the midterm elections, and gay marriage have since monopolized lawmakers’ time. It concludes that the likelihood of any of these matters flooding the entire Eastern Seaboard and leaving the state of Florida completely submerged is “very slim.”

The new report claims we may see a return to the ominous days of 2007, when terrible flooding and storms of unprecedented scale and intensity were something mankind was concerned about.

The report further suggests global warming might be worth reversing, especially if mankind wants to avoid the unprecedented food shortage that an overwhelming majority of scientists and agricultural experts predict will happen within 85 years if global warming is not reversed.

“I was a bit surprised by our findings, because I, along with the rest of my colleagues, thought that the process of fixing climate change ended soon after [2007 rock concert] Live Earth,” CGD assistant director George Oliver told reporters. “But it turns out that the things needed to stop it, like substantive energy legislation, worldwide cooperation to reduce carbon emissions, and a massive cultural shift toward sustainable living actually didn’t happen at all.”

“We kind of just assumed that the threat of total annihilation spurred everyone into action back in ’07 and that everything got better,” Oliver added.

Oliver said his group is making several recommendations to elected officials, some of which include fully comprehending the fact that human beings””actual human beings just like themselves””will be living on the planet when climate change begins to destroy it. The document also suggests that taking steps to prevent the earth from becoming completely unlivable should, for the moment, take precedence over tasks that do not do that.

Moreover, the report states that the 192 countries that participated in the U.N.’s 2009 conference in Copenhagen to fix climate change should have used the 12-day symposium to fix climate change.

“Last year’s federal budget included more than $200 million in funding for the Office of Personnel Management,” Birdsall said. “Since nobody really knows what that is, we suggest that money perhaps be spent making sure the oceans don’t turn into acid.”

Thus far, the study has gained unanimous favor in the scientific community, which was admittedly surprised in 2008 and 2009 at how quickly a defining issue that will undoubtedly affect everyone on the planet became so heavily politicized and took a backseat to health care reform, the housing bubble, and replacing Jay Leno on The Tonight Show.

“Climate change is real, and we are killing our planet more every day,” said climatologist Helen Marcus, who has made similar statements in interviews in 1994, 1995, 1996, 1997, 1998, 1999, 2000, 2001, 2002, 2003, 2004, 2005, 2006, 2007, 2008, 2009, and 2010. “We need to make a serious effort to stop it, or, you know, we’ll all die. There really isn’t much else to say.”


Related Humor:

15 Responses to Major new report finds “Global warming issue from 2 or 3 years ago may still be problem”

  1. Rats! I was going to post this in the “news” thread …

  2. Prokaryotes says:

    lol, thanks for that :)

  3. Raul M. says:

    Venice Italy has a plan for water surges.
    It’s a big barrier that can rise up on the
    occasions of too high of tide.

  4. Supported by news just in: NASA announced that October 2010 was 2nd warmest ever on land (+0.87C,, 3rd ever on land+ocean (+0.62C,!

  5. Prokaryotes says:

    Thank you for pre-ordering Fate of the World. On day of launch you will receive:
    – The full copy of Fate of the World;
    – Bonus card set;
    – PDF booklet on how the climate science is used in the game;
    – The music of Fate of the World soundtrack by Richard Jacques;
    – Listing on the Fate of the World Supporters Wall for beta participants;

  6. Sasparilla says:

    Totally appropriate and sad article by the Onion.

    As the author Gwyyne Dyer said in his book Climate Wars (excellent read by the way), this is a test for us as a species. I’d always assumed we would face the problem and the question was whether we would act quickly enough. But it appears the question is whether we’ll face it at all (at a US national and by relation Global Level). At this point we’re failing the test spectacularly, as this piece by the Onion points out so clearly.

  7. Colorado Bob says:

    Extreme global warming in the ancient past
    Ancient global warming

    Variations in atmosphere carbon dioxide around 40 million years ago were tightly coupled to changes in global temperature, according to new findings published in the journal Science. The study was led by scientists at Utrecht University, working with colleagues at the NIOZ Royal Netherlands Institute for Sea Research and the University of Southampton.

    “Understanding the relationship between the Earth’s climate and atmospheric carbon dioxide in the geological past can provide insight into the extent of future global warming expected to result from carbon dioxide emission caused by the activities of humans,” said Dr Steven Bohaty of the University of Southampton’s School of Ocean and Earth Science (SOES) based at the National Oceanography Centre in Southampton.

  8. Colorado Bob says:

    From #7
    ” Their analyses indicate that MECO carbon dioxide levels must have at least doubled over a period of around 400,000 years. In conjunction with these findings, analyses using two independent molecular proxies for sea surface temperature show that the climate warmed by between 4 and 6 degrees Celsius over the same period.

    “We found a close correspondence between carbon dioxide levels and sea surface temperature over the whole period, suggesting that increased amounts of carbon dioxide in the atmosphere played a major role in global warming during the MECO,” said Bohaty. “

  9. Colorado Bob says:

    Major, Worldwide Damage to Corals Seen This Year

    Scientists blame unusually warm ocean temperatures this year for the mass devastation of the world’s corals.


  10. Colorado Bob says:

    “2010 has been a major, major year of coral bleaching in all of the oceans around the world.”

  11. cr says:

    Once again, The Onion is more accurate than the ‘real’ newspapers. As they were in 2001.

    “WASHINGTON, DC–Mere days from assuming the presidency and closing the door on eight years of Bill Clinton, president-elect George W. Bush assured the nation in a televised address Tuesday that “our long national nightmare of peace and prosperity is finally over.” ”,464/

  12. Prokaryotes says:

    Sasparilla says “.. this is a test for us as a species …”

    If you think about the circumstances, yes it is. Every species evolving on a planet will likely first use fossil matter. Dependent on the planet size and overall setup at one time the species will encounter the evolutionary boundary. We see now how tuff it is to get aware of the problem and adapt accordingly.

    Each time in the history of the earth climate change drove extinction, followed by a push in evolution. There are scientist which believe that climate change helped to evolve us as a species. If you apply the gaia hypothesis here you could see the human species as an instrument of “mother earth” to get the tools to prevent certain types of extinction events. And thus this is likely the sense of life of our beings. Humans are in fact the world police and the evolutionary system boundary – relative to the environmental variables, is there to test us, if we evolved to help sustain life. If we fail the system will get rid of us “boot” and will create something else. The next time in aprox. 100k years will find the remains of our failed state, thus the chances are high that the next time the planet could evolve a higher more noble form of species, which is intelligent enough to survive in conjunction with the rest of the sphere.

  13. dp says:

    “Oliver said his group is making several recommendations to elected officials, some of which include fully comprehending the fact that human beings—actual human beings just like themselves—will be living on the planet when climate change begins to destroy it. The document also suggests that taking steps to prevent the earth from becoming completely unlivable should, for the moment, take precedence over tasks that do not do that.”

    and i’m sure my colleagues like myself will duly consider this once our investments in china come to maturity.

  14. Solar Jim says:

    Hey, see this black rock some destructive millionaire got by exploding American mountains and scraping out western prairie? It is an energy resource right? Do you believe that? You know, energy, like sunlight. If so, here are some collateralized debt obligations you should invest in, which the offering investment house has sold short.