House Speaker Palin racks up historic first floor victory
Washington DC: After 45 minutes of contentious debate and a 15-minute vote, the House of Representatives passed a budget that allows the government to continue operating for one hour. In a straight party line vote, the House approved a $10 million cut in government spending and a variety of amendments.
At a hastily gathered press conference that took place even as the House was debating another one-hour CR, Speaker of the House Sarah Palin said, “You betcha this proves those naysayers wrong. The Tea Party can govern effectively while staying true to our principles. That’s why I’m going to be the next President of the United States.”
Earlier in the day, John Boehner resigned the Speakership in disgrace after it was revealed he had used taxpayer funds to pay for “tear duct enhancement” surgery.
In a surprise move, the entire Democratic caucus joined with the Tea Party members of the GOP caucus to vote in former Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin as Speaker, since the Constitution does not require the Speaker be a House member (see Office of the Clerk Member FAQ here).
A lachrymose Boehner congratulated Palin saying, “I’m impressed that Speaker Palin, who I’m sure will be the next president of the United States, was able to pass this one hour CR in 60 minutes.”
The CR had a number of unusual amendments:
- The Environmental Protection Agency is banned from regulating any pollutant.
- The House cafeteria can only serve polar bears and other endangered species.
- All House members, when referring to Speaker Palin, must assert that she will be the next president of the United States.
NOTE: I welcome reader suggestions for other April 1 amendments.
UPDATE: In a breaking story, Palin has stunned the political world again by resigning from her Speakership. In a speech from her home in Wasilla, Alaska — described by CBS News as “rambling and sometimes confusing” and by Fox News as “cogent and always coherent” — she said:
Hi America, I appreciate speaking directly TO you, the people I serve, as your Speaker. That’s what Speakers do. They speak. But I’ve been doing enough “Speaking” and now just want to “speak.” To you. America.
People who know me know that besides faith and family, nothing’s more important to me than speaking. Speaking for all Americans is the greatest honor I could imagine. Other than another speaking at a political dinner for $100,000.
This decision comes after much consideration, and finally polling the most important people in my life – my Facebook friends. I also polled my family, where the count was unanimous… well, in response to asking: “Want me to make a positive difference and fight for ALL our children’s future from OUTSIDE the Speakers’s office?” It was four “yes’s” and one “hell yeah!” The “hell yeah” sealed it – though I sent that one to bed without dinner for swearing. Jeez.
Now, despite this, I don’t want any American dissuaded from entering politics after seeing this REAL “climate change” that began a few hours ago … no, we NEED hardworking, average Americans fighting for what’s right! And I will support you because we need YOU and YOU can effect change, as long as you quit your jobs now, like me.
In the words of General MacArthur said, “We are not retreating. We are advancing in another direction.”
Also, in the words of Abraham Lincoln, “a rolling stone gathers no moss.” And having lived in Alaska most of my life, I can’t tell you how much I hate gathering moss. Thank you.