The Onion: Planet Earth Doesn’t Know How To Make It Any Clearer It Wants Everyone To Leave

Humor From America’s Finest News Service:

The Earth says events like this should have made it “pretty obvious” what it’s been driving at.

EARTH—According to a statement released to the press Tuesday, the planet Earth has “just about run out of ways” to let its roughly 6.9 billion human inhabitants know it wants them all to leave.

Following a recent series of disastrous floods along the Mississippi River and destructive tornadoes across much of the United States—as well as a year of even deadlier natural catastrophes all over the world—the Earth said its options for strongly implying that it no longer wants human beings living on it have basically been exhausted.
“At this point, I think I’ve stated my wishes quite loudly and clearly,” the Earth’s statement to all of humanity read in part. “I haven’t exactly been subtle about it, you realize. I have literally tried to drown you, crush you, starve you, dehydrate you, pump you full of diseases, and suck your homes and families into swirling vortices of death. Honestly, what more is it going to take for you people to get the message?”

“Do I have to spell it out for you?” the statement continued. “Get the fuck out of here. I want you to leave now.”

The statement went on to list thousands of incidents in 2011 alone that the Earth claimed were “solely and unmistakably” designed to inform the human race that it might be time to move on, including the devastating tsunami that caused thousands of deaths in Japan, an earthquake in Christchurch, New Zealand, that killed an estimated 181 people, and historic rainstorms in Colombia that destroyed entire communities with deadly landslides.

The planet Earth also singled out an ongoing drought in China that has left more than 2.3 million people with a shortage of fresh water as “a pretty big goddamned tip-off, wouldn’t you say?”

While the Earth had hoped the human race might finally “get the picture” following one of the harshest winter storm years in recorded history, it instead found that people simply went on with their lives, occasionally making reference to disaster victims in their thoughts and prayers but showing no intention whatsoever of preparing themselves for a long trip through the far reaches of space to find a new home.

“I know your species has developed the technology to leave me, I’ve seen you use it before, so I’m asking you now, please, just take the hint already,” read another excerpt from the Earth’s statement, which added that it would really be best for all concerned if humanity were to “trundle off to some other biosphere for a while.” “You can’t possibly be enjoying this, can you? Honestly, you would have to be completely deranged or masochistic to continue staying here.”

Immediately after delivering the statement, the Earth ignited a series of wildfires throughout the world’s arid regions.

Though some scientists have responded to Earth’s message with theories as to precisely what the planet might be trying to communicate, most firmly acknowledged that further study would be required before any definitive evidence could be gleaned from the “fascinating” statement.

“Certainly these utterances from the Earth are strongly worded, but at this point it is difficult to say whether they speak to a larger trend or are simply a bio-geological anomaly,” Dr. Roger Summons of MIT said. “While there seems to be an implication that the Earth wants us to go away and never come back, I, for one, can’t say conclusively from either a geochemical or a meteorological standpoint whether this is in fact the case.”

In a sharp rebuke to both the planet and the mainstream scientific community, Republican leaders in Congress responded this week with a scathing critique of what they deemed to be the Earth’s “pathetic and extremist viewpoints.”

“What we’re seeing here is the same old scientific mumbo jumbo and partisan rhetoric that the Earth has been spewing out for millennia,” Sen. Jim Inhofe (R-OK) said. “We’re not going to be bullied by a celestial body that has time and again failed to deliver on its promise to glorify and reward mankind with its bounty.”

Immediately following these statements from the human race, the Earth emitted a loud sigh, which shifted multiple tectonic plates and caused massive earthquakes on five continents.

— The Onion

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Below are the comments from the Facebook commenting system:

Abe Drayton

The Inhofe quote really makes it.

June 2 at 9:39am

Mike Roddy ·

I nominate mine for the silver medal, after the cartoon of the couple on the little island.​ory/149120/5_awards_for_th​e_world%27s_most_heinous_c​limate_villains?page=entir​e

June 2 at 10:18am

Roger Berke

You got to wonder, Inhofe quote is a little too scary.

June 2 at 12:05pm

David Metzger

Hitting the funny bone really hurts…
US Grapples with New Tornado Drama.
Tornados and severe storms have hit the western and central portions of the US state of Massachusetts. Such extreme weather is unusual in the Northeastern US.​deos/319220-us-grapples-wi​th-new-tornado-drama?autop​lay=true

June 2 at 12:11pm

Climate Portals

Fire n ice… Boreal forest begin to burn (even before winter is up) 1C looks like a threshold….​rmalink.php?story_fbid=176​442329081051&id=1394348227​41700

June 2 at 12:12pm


I remember at the end of 2010 and early 2011 the talk was about how horrible the extreme weather events were during 2010. The agreement seemed to be that the natural variability part of the equation meant that 2011 could not possibly be so bad. So far 2011 has been something to behold. The earth speaks…..

· June 2 at 12:17pm

Bill Walker

Limitation of the new comment system showing here. Links in comments aren’t live. Have to copy and paste.

Love the Onion’s story, though of course not the conditions it describes.

· June 2 at 12:27pm

Joseph Romm

Apologies! The comment system was not my choice and the powers that be are working on it.

June 2 at 1:04pm

Richard Brenne

Mike Roddy, I’d give yours the gold (packed with important info) and this the silver.
David Metzger raises the important point about tornadoes that if the numbers and severity rising are currently in question (because mostly 20th Century data is examined, and the 21st with far more water vapor will utlimately look far different), big tornadoes are killing and destroying property in more places and in more months all the time, it would appear.

June 2 at 12:53pm

Dorvek Prolétariat

Maybe it’s high time to vindicate Lovelock’s predictions (but not his pro-nuke stance, obviously)?

June 2 at 12:59pm

Kevin Veach

Do you think we could make up instead? I’m kind of attached to the place.

June 2 at 4:46pm

Jean-Guy Bourque

Could this ” Planet Earth ” be anotherterm for the NWO and their HAARP? Everything mention could very well have been cause by HAARP and the NWO does want to depopulize the planet.

June 2 at 7:08pm

Scott Gurstein

Well, considering the way the human vermin has treated not only this planet, but also her non-human children, it’s hard to understand why someone would be surprised that this planet wants the replicating virus known as humankind to live up to that name and.
“human-kindly” disappear..

June 3 at 5:56pm

Aliza Driller

So true, time to wake up.

June 3 at 6:01pm

Matt Lott

The Earth needs validated. Short vid on the subject:​e-gift-of-validation.html.

June 5 at 2:40pm

Samuel Bror Bengtsson

Is this supposed to be funny?

June 5 at 3:24pm

Rick Kephart

Where has this guy been? These events have been happening throughout the earths history.

June 5 at 10:16pm

Duncan Terry

·I… I cannot like this enough.

June 6 at 2:32am

Keith Prada Proctor


June 6 at 11:54am

Ray Bowers

I’m off to mars.

June 8 at 7:53am

Amy Hoyt Bennett

It is pretty clear humans do not yet know how to leave the world a better place for all living things.

July 7 at 11:53pm

Joseph Robertson

From a conversation earlier today: We should be “aspiring to grace” (not falling from), aspiring to be better at everything we have ever tried to do, and that means learning to really live sustainably within the shared abundance of this beautiful world.

July 7 at 11:54pm

Kirra Bennett

Love this!!!

July 7 at 11:54pm

Comments are closed.