Breaking: The 1% Win the New Hampshire Primary

The multi-hundred-millionaire (MHM) won the New Hampshire primary handily over the multi-ten-millionaire (MTM) and the other multimillionaires (MMs) in the race.  Outside experts credit the Supreme Court’s recent “Corporations United” ruling , which found that since money is speech, money should get to vote, and so began the doctrine of “1 dollar, 1 vote.”

Speaking at his private yacht club, MHM told supporters, “The corporations and money of New Hampshire have exercised their God-given rights tonight.  They have said they want a President who likes to fire people, who isn’t afraid to make $10,000 bets, a President who likes to strap his dog on the roof of the car for family trips, even after it had “a bout of diarrhea, which could be seen running down the rear window.”  You want someone who understands it’s more important to end the regulations that harm corporations than it is to reduce air and water pollution that harms people.  Why?  Corporations are people, my friend.  People are corporations, my friend.  Corporations are friends, my people!  Oh, and release the hounds. Seriously, I can’t stand you people.  You call that a yacht?  I have life boats bigger than that.”

With his disappointing third-place finish, MTM told supporters at his exclusive country club, “in the end, MHM isn’t electable because the President has $1 billion to spend and that means 1 billion votes under these new rules, and sure MHM may be able to buy 200 million votes, but I was ambassador to China and the Chinese have real money, if you know what I mean.”

Meanwhile, in South Carolina, MM told his supporters at a book-signing, “MHM made his money plundering American corporations, extracting cash from them while destroying jobs.  That should be truly revolting to all South Carolina voters.  I made my money the old-fashioned way, selling influence to government-sponsored entities who took my advice and then destroyed the entire economy.  I made my money extracting cash from Big Oil and corporate polluters and any other corporation dumb enough to think that I have any influence in Congress whatsoever.  I’m not against MHM because he is a vulture capitalist, I’m against him because I think he lacks the genius needed to truly bleed the 99% dry.  I’d put poor kids in orphanages — even if they still had parents — and feed them Soylent Green.”

In unrelated news, poverty and income inequality hit record levels.

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11 Responses to Breaking: The 1% Win the New Hampshire Primary

  1. prokaryotes says:

    Is the US ready for a Mormon president?

    Mormon Mitt Romney is an early frontrunner among the Republicans vying to run for president – and one new opinion poll shows him in a surprise dead heat with Barack Obama. Another Mormon, Jon Huntsman, is expected to enter the race. Will their religion be an issue?

    It’s a nation that prides itself on having few barriers to the highest office.

    Yet the prominence of two Mormons in the Republican race for the White House has raised questions about US attitudes towards the religion.

  2. Brooks Bridges says:

    Intrade odds right now are:

    Democrat wins presidency 51.7% Republican 46.1%

    Obama wins: 51.2% Romney wins: 43%
    Someone else (split among 6 or so): 8%

  3. And if anyone complains, the MHM can just say, “Tant pis!” (which I just stole from Stanley Bing — God, how I love Bing!).

  4. Merrelyn Emery says:

    Excellent pointed satire. It illustrates the inherent vulnerability of representative government to corruption and therefore, the unrepresentative nature of the ‘representatives’, ME

  5. fj says:

    Yep, Mars Attacks!

  6. Raul M. says:

    let’s see how do I get a spot in the bestest storm shelter in the
    I could run as a consultant and he won’t mind cause he mostly just wants the best spot in the bestest storm shelter in the country.

  7. John McCormick says:

    Romney has given voice to “vulture capitalism”; a noble art of buying low and selling high.

    When Gingrich releases, in S.C., his 23 minute documentary on Bain, Inc. there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth in the halls of the Harvard Business School.

    Don’t you just love what’s going on in the rethug clown car.

  8. Joe Johnson says:

    Bill Moyers had the perfect line on Colbert last night “I will believe corporations are people after Texas excutes the first one.”

  9. Raul M. says:

    Given the thought that the commoners and nobles will be unable after showing unwillingness to appease mother nature then the search for shelter will dominate,
    It would seem that any of the candidates would realize that being rightfully in place would have great advantage.
    Showing compassion for their own dog being one thing; but, I think that the message for those able to build their own shelters sooner than late should be there somewhere.
    Good luck in figuring out how to appease mother nature before finding shelter is prime.

  10. prokaryotes says:

    Leadership changes this year among some of the world’s heaviest polluting countries should not undermine progress towards setting up a new global legally binding climate deal by 2015, the United Nations’ climate chief said on Wednesday.

  11. Rabid Doomsayer says:

    The Republicans just do not get “blowback”, they see no limits to “greed is good”. This insane level of kleptomania, which they see as entitlement, will have consequences beyond their immagination.

    George Carlin said “it is called the American dream, because you would have to asleep to believe it.” A more constrained level of greed would have seen the masses stay asleep so much longer. They are shouting wake up.

    PS MHM – good call.