Romney told a hastily assembled news conference:
After that Etch A Sketch thing, I realized I would never be able to erase who I am. So I decided to be who I am. I sold my soul to the devil so that everything I touch will turn to gold. Oh by the way, he prefers to be called Mephistopheles.
What used to be called the Midas touch will now officially be called the Romney touch, or, rather, the Rmoney touch, since one of the conditions of this deal was changing my name.
As President Rmoney, I can pay off the national debt — single-handedly. That’s a joke, get it? Under the terms of the contract, I must create 1 billion tons of gold a year and use all the money just for debt reduction. At current prices of $1666 an ounce, that will cover almost half the debt in my first term and most of the rest if you the American people see fit to reelect me.
You should know that I did not take this step lightly. I conferred with many people who have made their own pact with Mephistopheles, including Kim Kardashian, Ryan Seacrest, and of course Sarah Palin.
But ultimately the decision was mine. I will take no questions at this time.
White House spokesman Jay Carney was quoted as saying, “We’re delighted Mr. Romney, that is, Mr. Rmoney, can pay off the national debt. But of course he doesn’t have to be elected president for that. President Obama personally assured me that he has his own contract that guarantees his reelection. Oh, perhaps, I’ve said too much.”
The triumphant day for Rmoney was marred by the kind of mistake that has plagued his campaign. After the speech, his son Tagg ran up to congratulate him and was accidentally turned into solid gold. The Rmoney family said they would establish a research institute devoted to turning Tagg back to flesh and in the meantime would keep him as a lawn ornament in their new La Jolla mansion next to the car elevator and air-conditioned beach.
In related news, the price of gold crashed to $66.60 an ounce on news that there was now an unlimited supply about to be dumped on the market. Mephistopheles was quoted as saying, “Bwa-ha-ha. Ha-ha-ha. Bwa.”