Report: Only Way Nation Will Pay Attention To Climate Change Is If Julia Roberts Dies In Hurricane

America’s Finest News Service does it again. Here’s an excerpt from The Onion:

… Florida State University researchers released a report Wednesday revealing that the only circumstance in which Americans would ever pay any attention at all to the issue of climate change would be if film actress Julia Roberts were killed in a hurricane.

“Our data suggest that Julia Roberts will either have to drown in rising floodwaters or be crushed to death as 170-mile-per-hour winds demolish her home before the country even acknowledges global warming,” said the study’s lead author….

“Even if millions are killed and entire cities are washed away, only the sight of Ms. Roberts’ pale, lifeless corpse lying amid storm wreckage will convince Americans to have open and frank discussions about the disastrous effects of greenhouse-gas emissions….”

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7 Responses to Report: Only Way Nation Will Pay Attention To Climate Change Is If Julia Roberts Dies In Hurricane

  1. libby stack says:

    While a conjured reality, unfortunately this is closer to the truth than many think. You can have Al Gore up on podiums spewing forth all the live long day, but it will take a REAL CELEBRITY for the American masses to take notice. Unfortunately, there has been more attention pad to the Brad Pitt Chanel ad then there has been to important issues. Half of America can tell you who George Clooney is dating currently but they can’t tell you who their Congressman is.

  2. idunno says:

    I don’t know though… For the next two days, enough might remember.

    Even Rove has conceded that “Sandy” has helped the President.

    Has the GOP’s gibberish-ridden stance on Global Warming, flying in the face of science, public opinion (67%) and the US military’s advice on a national security issue, cost the GOP the White House?

    OUCH! That’s gotta hurt.

    So you’ve got to hope that no act of senseless self-destruction from Julia Roberts is really necessary. I like Julia Roberts. Loved that film where Richard Gere was the Bain Capital-style guy.

  3. syd bridges says:

    Not so fast! How do I know it’s really Julia Roberts and not someone who looks like her or even a mannequin of her? You dont fool me! Im much to smart too be taken in by so-called eJacated libruls!

  4. Ozonator says:

    The only history and science know by extremist Republicans and Christians is from some TV and movies. Thus, Sandy fulfills the cattle stampede in Zulu with the extremist GOP acting as the attacking Zulu braves getting (Al) gored. In a remake of this movie by Spike Lee, there is a part for a single white woman for Ms. Roberts. The violence on woman scenes can still be dominated by the extreme GOP (healthy) and the sick defender.

  5. Wonhyo says:

    Has the GOP’s… stance on Global Warming… cost the GOP the White House?

    If the Democratic Party’s candidate for the White House also fails to talk about global warming, does it make much difference?

    Sure, we’ll get more fuel efficient cars over the next 13 years, but will the resulting reduction from vehicle emissions make up for the increase in oil and gas production during the last four years? I doubt it.

    In our two-party system, the Republican Party is defining policy and the Democratic Party is implementing it.

  6. perceptiventity says:

    fancy us educated and still submissive to the election farce ?

  7. There is only one conclusive way to authenticate the true Julia: the oral COTH* test.

    *Chrome Off a Trailer Hitch.