Tumblr Icon RSS Icon

The Onion: 2012 Was Once Considered Hottest Year On Record, Man In 2024 Remembers Wistfully

Posted on

"The Onion: 2012 Was Once Considered Hottest Year On Record, Man In 2024 Remembers Wistfully"

Share:

google plus icon

America’s “finest news source” has this hilarious Science and Technology “news brief”:

NEW WASHINGTON—Marveling at how dire things seemed in the relatively stable days of 12 years ago, Alan Gibson, 41, a local man of the year 2024, wistfully recounted on Wednesday the then-record temperatures recorded in the United States in 2012. “To think that we were concerned about a 55.3-degree average is almost comical, but then, I guess at that point we must have still had some kind of perceivable ozone layer,” Gibson said fondly while reapplying the full-body coat of UV-resistant resin he and his fellow citizens of the 43 contiguous United States wear at all times. “Today, you wouldn’t think twice about a 96-degree day in the middle of February, but a mere decade ago you would look up at the skies waiting for snow. Christ, those were the days, man”….

Of course, we know that the variability of winter temperatures will overwhelm the (likely) slow average warming for decades to come, and, of course, sea levels won’t rise that fast, but still….

Tags:

« »

11 Responses to The Onion: 2012 Was Once Considered Hottest Year On Record, Man In 2024 Remembers Wistfully

  1. Daniel Coffey says:

    How is it that the humorists are the best at accurately depicting reality, yet the institutional entities are wedded to a slow-walk strategy that makes every over-the-top joke come true? Big environment, big oil, big government, and big media have sorta opted for the smooth upward glide, overlooking the rather real possibility that rapid and highly unfortunate calamities are equally possible. Think melting ice slowly versus massive chunks falling into the ocean, raising the water level in a few days.

  2. Paul Klinkman says:

    Old man to surfers on boardwalk, “I remember when all this was once frozen wasteland.”

  3. James W. Crissman says:

    Global warming makes lousy humor. There may be a way to make this funny, that wasn’t it.
    Perhaps something akin to Monty Python’s skit with the dismembered bridge guard claiming it’s only a flesh wound? A GOP denier burning in Hell, asking, “Is it a little toasty in here?” Inhofe, sipping a hot toddy, “Natural cycle, Mitt, it’ll be freezing soon.”

    • Joe Romm says:

      Gotta laugh or you’re gonna cry….
      “Perhaps I know best why man is the only animal that laughs: he alone suffers so excruciatingly that he was compelled to invent laughter.” — Nietzsche

      • Merrelyn Emery says:

        Yep, that’s where awareness of awareness gets you, ME

      • Mulga Mumblebrain says:

        Many animals laugh, including chimpanzees and rats (who love being tickled, and even set to laughing when their human ‘tickler’ enters the room). It is, allegedly, a form of social bonding.

  4. SecularAnimist says:

    So, the punch line of this joke is that in 2024 there will still be people who don’t know the difference between CO2 buildup and ozone depletion? That doesn’t seem especially funny.

  5. Jacob says:

    I find it funny in a dark humorish manner, as the world goes to hell, we can smile (even if it is wrily.) Truth is there are too many people right now who are too wrapped up in their own lives to give climate change a first thought, let alone a second thought. This will not change completely by 2024. At the same time, the changes which have taken place in the Onion’s article are comicly outlandish. Not meant to be taken too seriously, nor too lightly.

  6. pinroot says:

    Of course, we know that the variability of winter temperatures will overwhelm the (likely) slow average warming for decades to come, and, of course, sea levels won’t rise that fast, but still….

    Sounds like someone is back peddling on the doom & gloom. I guess there’s no time like the present to start.

  7. Raul M. says:

    If contact lenses without correction require a new perscriptions from a doctor every two years but sunglasses without correction don’t
    there must be a reason the sunglasses without correction don’t. Maybe people need the sunglasses to protect their eyes and so the purchase proce should be affordable before the eye damage.
    But with contact lenses there is a difference in what the stores do. Isn’t prevention of eye damage sstill of importance to those who make the laws? Why is it so hard for people to get contact lenses that provide protection from UV damage? You know ones that don’t have vision correction? Why is it so hard to have precaution?