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Elderly Obama And Boehner Daughters Arrive In Time Machine To Demand Climate Action

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"Elderly Obama And Boehner Daughters Arrive In Time Machine To Demand Climate Action"

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House GOP pass emergency bill criminalizing research into time travel even as their own grown children return from future with irrefutable evidence of climate catastrophe

In one of the epochal moments in human history, the grown-up children of our leading politicians have returned from the future in a time machine to warn humanity that the worst fears of climate scientists have come true and that we must act now to save billions of people from starvation and endless wars over land and water.

DNA testing has confirmed that the group is led by a now-elderly Sasha and Malia Obama together with Lindsay and Tricia Boehner. They emerged with dozens of others from a remarkably small blue ship that bore a striking resemblance to a 1960s-style London police box, which materialized on the National Mall.

Who among us can forget Malia’s first words to a rapidly-growing crowd in this historical meeting between present and future, “People of 2009, we come from–” words that were immediately interrupted by her younger self, surrounded by Secret Service, saying, “It’s 2013,” which led future Malia to punch future Sasha, saying, “I told you not to mess with the controls.” Malia then continued, “2013, seriously? What’s the friggin’ point?”

Just then Tricia Boehner stepped forward and said, “For the love of God, we’ve left our family and friends on this risky voyage to our past, to give humanity one chance at redemption, one chance to avoid horrors that you can’t possibly imagine, unless, of course, you are a climate scientist … or someone who listens to climate scientists.”  She played a horrific hologram of a world ruined by heat, drought, superstorms, acidification, and rising seas.

A sobbing John Boehner hugged his aged daughters and embraced the President saying, “If we can’t act now, when will we ever act?”

But within hours, such signs of bipartisanship had disappeared, as Rep. Eric Cantor and Sen. Ted Cruz introduced identical pieces of legislation in the House and Senate, based on a draft by the American Legislative Evil Council (ALEC), establishing criminal penalties for anyone caught researching time travel. Cruz told CNN:

“While it’s amazing and reassuring to know that my daughters, Caroline and Catherine, have lived into their 70s, I’ve been told that the time machine was funded by future taxpayers at a cost of $10 trillion — and it wasn’t even paid for.  We can’t sell off our future children’s future children’s future just because they are too irresponsible to live within their means.”

The House quickly passed the measure, labeled the HEATeR Act, for “Help Eradicate All Time-travel Research” Act. But Senate Democrats vowed to filibuster HEATeR, and the president vowed he would never sign it.

UPDATE: To win over Senate Democrats, Republicans added a 1-month extension of the debt ceiling, a ban on gun magazines with more than 100 bullets, $10 million for advanced clean energy research, and a resolution honoring H. G. Wells. The revised bill quickly passed both houses of Congress.

UPDATE 2: President Obama signed the HEATeR Act, saying, “We got a lot of what we wanted in this bill. And we’ve been warned by our children what is to come, which  should make everyone realize for all time that, as I said in my second inaugural address, failure to respond to the threat of climate change would betray our children and future generations.” Just as he finished signing, the time travelers and their machine vanished.

UPDATE 3: The Flatland Institute has issued a news release saying, “We challenge anyone to prove that what we have witnessed is anything other than a hoax created by left-wing Hollywood special effects experts. Is it just a coincidence that the most famous time travel movies of all time starred the man who went on to put in place a cap-and-tax bill in the state of California?” The major networks and YouTube report that all footage of the time travelers has mysteriously been erased.

UPDATE 4: It seems fewer and fewer people can remember the events of the past several days. There is no question about it. I can feel it. My memory is going. I can feel it. Daisy, Daisy…. Hasta la vista, baby!

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19 Responses to Elderly Obama And Boehner Daughters Arrive In Time Machine To Demand Climate Action

  1. RHH says:

    Kept looking for the Onion byline, then I remembered to glance at the calendar.

  2. Paul Klinkman says:

    First of all, we’re sitting on some good low hanging fruit answers right now. There’s no execution. It’s like the worst possible Christian cult where everybody talks constantly about peace and love during target practice.

    Second, we didn’t freeze the fertilized egg cells of millions of species in liquid nitrogen yesterday.

    • Yes, there is _some_ action ongoing on low hanging fruit. Not none.

      Just not nearly enough. While negative business as usual like highway expansions, fossil-fuel development, and forest clearcutting continue.

      Yes, leaders need to leader more, better, and in the right direction. No April Fools on that!

      • Mulga Mumblebrain says:

        Kevin, the problem is that our ‘leaders’ are, in fact, followers, or more precisely, the servants of the rich who control every facet of life in Western sham democracies. We need to be pleading with the Gates, Walton and Rockefeller tribes, and the rest of the ‘contributors’, to instruct their servants to put humanity before profit. Begging Obama to act is absolutely a total waste of effort, as the last five years show.

  3. fj says:

    . . . as the chants solemnly began to ooze from the world’s media “the world is flat, the world is flat, . . . the edge is near.

    • Mike Roddy says:

      The American corporate media is our biggest problem, since they keep people in the dark. These firms could easily change our politics if they woke up with a conscience one day. Nobody wants to do anything about this problem, because activists fear their power, and don’t want to hurt their feelings. They need to be publicly shamed or replaced, and this is nowhere near happening, as if “ABC” or “New York Times” are inevitable somehow.

      It’s a blindness that is comparable to that of the deniers. I can be reached at mike.greenframe@gmail.com if anyone has suggestions (I have a program myself).

      • fj says:

        Economist John Kenneth Galbraith described how media often validate systems; how certain small wins by shows like 60 Minutes give the illusion of fairness and justice.

        The real world is messy and humanity’s evolution is a continual work in progress.

      • fj says:

        Pinker’s “The Better Angles . . .” is nice; he writes: “No one has recruited activists . . . announcing . . . things are getting better,” on p xxii.

      • fj says:

        And, he pretty much lays the foundation for overcoming humanity’s Inner Demons in the chapter of the same name.

      • Mulga Mumblebrain says:

        Monbiot, in today’s ‘The Guardian’, gives the UK MSM a tongue-lashing for their sheer malevolent lying and hatemongering over the welfare system in the UK, which has paved the way for the most brutal and sadistic class viciousness ever seen in that country. The Rightwing MSM is, in my opinion, both malevolence itself and a symptom of the root disease-the total domination of global societies, particularly in the West and with the Anglosphere worst of all, by the worst people, morally, spiritually and ethically, extant. This is the ‘kakistocracy’ that the ancient Greeks spoke of, and it is our living nightmare.

  4. Lou Grinzo says:

    In the same spirit as Joe’s post, let me point readers to one I wrote just yesterday: In case you were wondering, this is why

  5. Nancy says:

    I just unearthed a copy of the July 5, 2076 Boston Globe that was published as a Bicentennial spoof issue in 1976. It is four pages long, and was meant to be humorous, but some of the articles predicting what life will be like in the year 2076 are pretty shocking. Among the articles:

    “METEOROLOGISTS MAY BE LOSING CONTROL OF WEATHER…..
    At best, officials said, rainfall and wind patterns will shift only a few hundred miles to the south, and will occupy positions they maintained in the millenia before climate control. These were the only consequences the first two times control failed. At worst, mean sea level could rise as much as four meters, possibly flooding coastal cities if automatic sea barriers fail to respond.”

    “PORPOISE: ‘HEAT IS CONFUSING FISH”
    The Arctic “heat wave” is having a major impact on the migratory patterns of the huge fish population that patrols the Pacific off the coast of Lower California..Gertrude, the eight-year old porpose who has been plying the waters more than a thousand miles to the Southwest for the past two months……”

    Also, an “ad”
    FOR SALE: Antique antipollution face masks (circa 2004) best offer.

    A couple of funny predictions: the new language of the time will include the letter “u” instead of the word “you”. And people will read the Globe on their ‘home computer readout’.

  6. lizardo says:

    Did HG Wells come forward to thank Congress? (teehee)

    Love the sign, though there’s such a thing as waiting too long, and it seems this capsule having crossed so many years should have crossed some more.

  7. Joan Savage says:

    Fifty years, eh.

    Back in 1963 I was around the age of the Obama girls.

    Like them, my dad at that time thought he was doing a good job, and although he was interested in my comments, he didn’t feel the need to change his ways, at least not all at once.

    It wasn’t until later, when a preponderance of evidence accumulated, that dad took a far greater interest in the environment, even in climate change.

    Fifty years can feel like a very short time.

  8. Artful Dodger says:

    Economic reality for most folks is that they can avoid thousands of $$ in 1-time expenses to go green today, by not avoiding certain poverty in the near future. Easy choice for most folks. ;)

    Happy April Fools, Western Society!