Will Ferrell To Join USMNT: ‘I Will Bite Every German Player If I Have To’

CREDIT: John Raoux/AP

Will Ferrell, delight incarnate, crashed the USMNT fan headquarters in Recife last night to psyche up the most devoted soccer lovers among us.

As an introduction, Teddy Goalsevelt (top-notch punnery there) came out to lead the always-rousing “I believe” chant which, by the way, has such an interesting and all-American origin story. Then — surprise! — former cheerleader Ferrell emerged from the wings to declare “what an honor” it would be for him to take the field against Germany.

“I’m not gonna lie to you, I’m not in the best shape,” Ferrell said. “I’m going to try my best to live up to the spirit of this American team!”

This is possibly the best thing about international sporting events: a safe and joyous outlet for our innate, unhinged tendency toward jingoism. ‘Murica!

Here, some guidelines for watching the game today:

1. No Nazi jokes.

2. Germany jokes are okay, I guess. But the odds of accidentally making a Nazi joke in the process are very high, so maybe just steer clear.

3. Biting jokes are fair game.

4. I love the enthusiasm, but really by this point in the day you should stop tweeting and sending around that “take the day off” letter from Coach Klinsmann. Everyone has already seen it and your boss doesn’t care.

5. Speaking of your boss: if he or she doesn’t let you watch the game today, this person is essentially letting the terrorists win. Productivity experts have gone on the record to say we should ditch work to watch the game: “It would be much more efficient and a great deal more pleasurable if we all gave up the pretense of working and simply enjoyed the World Cup game.” In college, I dropped a class because our professor wouldn’t let us be late so we could watch Obama’s 2008 inauguration; this was after the first election in which any of us on campus were eligible to vote. Big deal, right? Super historic? Not to her! Obviously this person hated America and I could not continue to study under her tutelage. Today, I write about television for a living. So look who’s winning now.

6. Ferrell said he’ll be wearing a “red, white and blue bikini top,” which is an interesting sartorial choice just as body types go, but today is the day to let that borderline-inappropriate patriotism fly. You do you, Will Ferrell! It’s not like it’s his first foray into questionable stars and stripes attire.