How Would The Media Cover Leonardo DiCaprio’s Partying If He Were A Woman?

CREDIT: Richard Shotwell/Invision/AP

Leonardo DiCaprio reportedly left a nightclub in Miami last night with 20 women in tow. The tone of the coverage of this mass exodus from the VIP room has been gleeful, fist-pumping, and congratulatory. But what would these stories look like if we wrote about men the way we write about women? In the spirit of Slate’s “If It Happened There,” series, here is this news, written the way media typically writes about the sexual exploits of female celebrities.

What’s the cure for a broken heart? Leonardo DiCaprio seems to think 20 strangers can take the place of the one who got away. The actor, who is “off-again” with his on-again, off-again girlfriend, model Toni Garrn, was partying away his loneliness in South Beach last night. In a desperate plea for attention, when the star left the nightclub — the popup version of 1 Oak at Rec Room — he took every woman in the VIP section with him.

Eyewitnesses described the panicked look in DiCaprio’s eyes as he scanned the room full of models looking for that one model who just wasn’t there.

“A lot of these women are blonde, I assume,” said psychologist to the stars, Kevin Springfield. “And Leo has never won an Oscar. So he’s trying to replicate what he doesn’t have — a beautiful, gold statue — with the next best thing: women who look like beautiful, gold statues. But that’s not going to satisfy him.”

Sources close to the star describe him as someone who “never got over” his true love. “Gisele wanted a family,” a friend reported. “And he just wasn’t ready, so she left him. He’s got a whole complex about it now: the quarterback gets the girl, and what does the drama geek get? Just a bunch of meaningless flings. Just trying to fill that void.” Last night’s antics are just the latest in a years-long stream of debauchery and decline.

DiCaprio was photographed earlier this year looking noticeably heavier than the trim physique he rocked in his prime. Shirtless, his hair disheveled, several inches of his boxers sticking out from the top of his shorts, he frolicked around with a water gun. Anonymous friends of the actor are concerned that he’s living in the past. “It’s just so sad, honestly,” a former friend said of the star. “He’s totally letting himself go.”

Dumped yet again by a younger — and, let’s just say it, hotter — female companion, DiCaprio seemed to think he’d find happiness in the Dionysian offerings of Art Basel’s nightlife. His hair was in a messy bun, an obvious effort at looking like he wasn’t trying too hard.

“I saw Leo leave the club and I was like, really, dude? Are you okay?” an eyewitness reported. “Sex is not going to solve your problems.”

What exactly transpired as last night melted into morning? No idea. Probably something super slutty, though. “It’s just that, you know, if he wants to start a family, I hate to say this but, tick-tock, bro,” said someone who wasn’t actually at this party but seemed pretty knowledgeable to me. “You keep running around with these girls, but they’re not in it for the long haul. You’re not getting any younger. And no serious woman is going to respect you if you’re putting out for half of the Victoria’s Secret catalog.”

“I hate to say this, because it’s such a double-standard,” the eyewitness added. “But people are going to think he’s just this dirty old man. What happened to his values? What about his purity? No one’s going to buy that cow anymore. He is just giving the milk away.”