"The Onion: A Karner Blue Butterfly Blogs “If I Go Extinct I Swear I Will Take As Many Humans With Me As I Can”"
Our Guest Blogger today is a Karner Blue Butterfly — via America’s Finest News Service
I think people always expected that when the time came for us to go extinct, we’d go down all quietlike—that just because we’re small blue butterflies with a wingspan of an inch, we wouldn’t put up a fight. Well, I can assure you that before my kind dies out there will be a reckoning. Blood will run in the streets. Human blood.
I swear to you on all that is good and holy that before the Karner blue goes extinct, myself and the last remaining members of my species will take out as much of the human race as we possibly can. There will be mayhem…. People will suffer.
You can take that to the bank.
I know when you look at me all you see is a pretty little insect with a taste for the nectar of wild lupine plants. Sure, you can comfort yourself with that thought, but I tell you what: You put my species’s back against the wall and you are going to see another side of this butterfly. One that has a can of gasoline, a match, and is pissed off enough to light up you and everyone you know.
Here’s the thing: I’m actually fine with going extinct.
I’ve accepted death. Not only do I have nothing to lose, but I don’t give a fuck about you, me, or anyone. And I certainly don’t give a fuck about the people who are killing us off. It’s kill or be killed, and I plan on killing a bunch of humans before my time is up….
You think I’m kidding around? Keep messing with my habitat. Keep developing land and messing with my migratory patterns so that my food sources become even scarcer….
I guarantee the majority of you will die slowly and painfully, like my brothers who starved to death because you just had to go and disrupt our habitat. And you know what that means? It means we are going to tie you down and force you to ingest toxic chemicals that methodically eat away at your insides.
We already got all the poisons from a bunch of hardware stores, and we’re mixing them together as we speak. The concoction will be so potent it will burn holes through your pancreas, liver, and lungs. Sure, that won’t make up for the fact that you’ve destroyed my entire species, but knowing that you keeled over in pain right in front of your children will at least give me and my kind one last moment of deep satisfaction.
And the look on your children’s faces is going to be priceless. They’re going to be super fucked-up because of us. They’re going to need therapy….
The thing that really pisses me off is that it shouldn’t even have to come to this. We’re the state butterfly of New Hampshire. Don’t we deserve a little more respect? I guess not. I guess the town of Rollinsford is going to be bombed off the face of this planet. Why Rollinsford? It doesn’t fucking matter, because it’s gone. Up in smoke. And there will be nothing you or anyone else can do about it except wring your hands and wonder why you didn’t take care of your friend the Karner blue butterfly, who only wanted to help pollinate your plants but is now howling for your blood….
– A Karner Blue Butterfly via The Onion
- Study finds “mass biodiversity collapse” at 900 ppm, and possibly a “threshold response … to relatively minor increases in CO2 concentration and/or global temperature.”
- Royal Society special issue: “There are very strong indications that the current rate of species extinctions far exceeds anything in the fossil record.”
- Nature Climate Change (9/11): “The proportion of actual biodiversity loss should quite clearly be revised upwards: by 2080, more than 80% of genetic diversity within species may disappear in certain groups of organisms“
Related Onion Humor:
- Major new report finds “Global warming issue from 2 or 3 years ago may still be problem”
- The Onion: Planet Earth Doesn’t Know How To Make It Any Clearer It Wants Everyone To Leave
- The Onion on Climate Change: An Issue This Critical Demands at Least 45 Seconds of Real, Concentrated Panic Each Week
- Republicans vote to repeal Obama-backed bill that would destroy asteroid headed for Earth