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Breaking: Climate Science Denier Wins Iowa Caucuses

It was a battle down to the wire in Iowa with many unexpected twists and turns. But in the end, Climate Science Denier (CSD) edged out Denier of Climate Science (DCS) and Science of Climate Denier (SCD) in the first GOP contest for the right to compete against Climate Science Ignorer (CSI) in the general election.

CSD told a small crowd at the airport, “The citizens of Iowa have spoken and decided that I am uniquely qualified to deny climate science. They’ve sent a message to the president that simply ignoring climate change isn’t going to cut it with the American people, especially the job creators. We need somebody who can deny the problem entirely so the job creators can feel better about pocketing most of the wealth generated in this country while ruining a livable climate for everyone else.”

The real story of the caucuses may be SCD, who came from nowhere just a week ago to come within a few points votes of victory. SCD told a smaller crowd at the airport, “I am the only true denier in the race. CSD has flip-flopped on this issue, like so many others. Just last spring he said he actually believed in the findings of the overwhelming majority of climate scientists, that the climate is changing, humans are the main cause, and failing to act threatens modern human civilization. What poppy-cock! There isn’t an inch of difference between CSD and CSI.”

Meanwhile, SCD told a massive crowd at the airport, “We really need to get rid of the Federal Reserve. As for climate change, that’s best left to individuals to address, even it exists, which I doubt.” SCD said he did not think he would win the nomination but refused to say whether he would mount a third-party run, which many fear would split the denial vote and allow CSI to capture a second term, thereby threatening 4 more years of left-wing, socialist inaction on the gravest threat to humanity.

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One-time front runner, GWSOCWNPBRDCS (Guy who sat on couch with Nancy Pelosi but really denies climate science), finished far behind the 3 leaders, but vowed to press on saying, “CSD has been lying to you and getting his millionaire buddies to fund ads attacking me. He’s really someone who used to believe in climate science, whereas I was just pretending to so I could be more credible as a critic of cap-and-tax. I’m a genius, don’t you forget, and so even my mistakes are unintentional works of brilliance. I’m going to win this thing just as soon as I come up with a shorter, catchier acronym.”

Jon Huntsman, speaking to his wife and family in New Hampshire, said something about how we must teach our children to respect science and scientists, since they are the engine of economic growth and the only hope for humanity, but no reporter was there to record it.

In unrelated news, greenhouse gas emissions and concentrations reached record levels in 2011, as did extreme weather disasters.

NOTE: Watch this space for any late breaking updates.