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Breaking: The 1% Win the New Hampshire Primary

The multi-hundred-millionaire (MHM) won the New Hampshire primary handily over the multi-ten-millionaire (MTM) and the other multimillionaires (MMs) in the race. Outside experts credit the Supreme Court’s recent “Corporations United” ruling , which found that since money is speech, money should get to vote, and so began the doctrine of “1 dollar, 1 vote.”

Speaking at his private yacht club, MHM told supporters, “The corporations and money of New Hampshire have exercised their God-given rights tonight. They have said they want a President who likes to fire people, who isn’t afraid to make $10,000 bets, a President who likes to strap his dog on the roof of the car for family trips, even after it had “a bout of diarrhea, which could be seen running down the rear window.” You want someone who understands it’s more important to end the regulations that harm corporations than it is to reduce air and water pollution that harms people. Why? Corporations are people, my friend. People are corporations, my friend. Corporations are friends, my people! Oh, and release the hounds. Seriously, I can’t stand you people. You call that a yacht? I have life boats bigger than that.”

With his disappointing third-place finish, MTM told supporters at his exclusive country club, “in the end, MHM isn’t electable because the President has $1 billion to spend and that means 1 billion votes under these new rules, and sure MHM may be able to buy 200 million votes, but I was ambassador to China and the Chinese have real money, if you know what I mean.”

Meanwhile, in South Carolina, MM told his supporters at a book-signing, “MHM made his money plundering American corporations, extracting cash from them while destroying jobs. That should be truly revolting to all South Carolina voters. I made my money the old-fashioned way, selling influence to government-sponsored entities who took my advice and then destroyed the entire economy. I made my money extracting cash from Big Oil and corporate polluters and any other corporation dumb enough to think that I have any influence in Congress whatsoever. I’m not against MHM because he is a vulture capitalist, I’m against him because I think he lacks the genius needed to truly bleed the 99% dry. I’d put poor kids in orphanages — even if they still had parents — and feed them Soylent Green.”

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In unrelated news, poverty and income inequality hit record levels.

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