There’s going to be a Tetris movie. Yes, a Tetris movie. This is what happens, I guess, when you’re stuck with a risk-averse film industry in which studios would rather invest in known entities than some risky, new idea. When you run out of young adult dystopian novels, comic book superheroes (even the heroes that nobody remembers or cared about until this summer), and movies loosely based on the existence of children’s toys which basically go into production so as to sell even more children’s toys, what is left? Games.
The board game wave has been in full swing for a while now: Ouija, a horror flick based on the best way humans have so far of contacting the dead, is coming out on October 24. You may also remember Rihanna’s non-existent dialogue from cinematic masterpiece Battleship. Sometimes games aren’t so bad. For instance, Patriot Games. Throne Games. The Imitation Game. Shadow Games. Hunger Games. The Game, a David Fincher movie I had completely forgotten about until reporting/Googling for this story.
And as we all know, one of the greatest movies of our time was inspired by the (fictional… or is it?!?) Jumanji, which showcases some of Kirsten Dunst’s finest early work.
But Tetris… Tetris is a stretch. Tetris is just four little boxes rearranging as they glide down the screen. Tetris is being bored in the waiting room at the dentist. Tetris is, keeping with this dental theme, brain Novocaine, numbing your mind when this cruel world is too much to face.
Who is directing the Tetris movie? No one yet! Also there is no cast. Or script. Look, people, that’s not what movies are about. Everyone knows that a movie is born when an ’80s game and a studio love each other very much. As Threshold Entertainment CEO Larry Kasanoff told the Wall Street Journal, “Brands are the new stars of Hollywood.” #Brands! Just imagine what that would mean for the future, if it were true. Imagine the inside of a seventh grade girl’s locker, not plastered with photos of the next generation’s Leo or Matt and Ben or what have you, but just big magazine tear-outs of #brands. “I kiss the #brand before bed every single night,” she swoons, leaning against the door. “I hope I could meet the #brand someday! That would be the most optimal #engagement #strategy ever.”
Kasanoff promises “what you [will] see in ‘Tetris’ is the teeny tip of an iceberg that has intergalactic significance.”
Based on this intel, here is what I think we can all assume the upcoming Threshold Entertainment slate has in store for us:
SCRABBLE: Q and Z have been the top of the heap at Alphabet High for years. That is, until a blank transfers at the start of senior year. She could be worth more than both of them combined.
WORDS WITH FRIENDS Like Scrabble, but not as good.
SNAKE: In order to see this movie, you will have to own or purchase a Nokia 3360.
SIMON Remember that light-up memory game? That’s what this is, but, like, as a movie. The year: 1978. The place: Studio 54. The game: Never forget.CHECKERS: This is actually a biopic about Nixon’s dog :-/
ORIGINAL GAME OF LIFE: In a world where doctors and lawyers build traditional nuclear families, everyone else is just a “graduate” and lives as second class citizens. But will that change when one blue peg wins the lottery?
SORRY Just people being jerks to each other, essentially. But it is the tip of an iceberg that has intergalactic significance.
MAVIS BEACON TEACHES TYPING The whole movie is a car chase, but get this: you are inside the car. You see the film as if you’re riding shotgun, and every time a character makes a bad decision, a fly goes SPLAT on the windshield. Think: 2Fast2Furious, but less action, more QWERTY. Feel The Speed… Of 75 Words Per Minute.
TWISTER: Do people still watch sex farces? This is a sex farce.
OREGON TRAIL: Not a joke. I would really, really love an Oregon Trail movie.