Jeff Sessions decries nonexistent New York murder epidemic

A Justice Department press release denounces “gang murder after gang murder” in a city enjoying a a historically low murder rate.

United States Attorney General Jeff Sessions reads to children at the White House on Easter Sunday. CREDIT: AP Photo/Carolyn Kaster
United States Attorney General Jeff Sessions reads to children at the White House on Easter Sunday. CREDIT: AP Photo/Carolyn Kaster

Attorney General Jeff Sessions, who has more power over how American law is enforced than any other single living human being, is concerned about New York City.

The nation’s largest population center continues to see “gang murder after gang murder,” Sessions’ office said in a statement Friday, attributing the putative murderpocalypse to the city’s commitment to humane treatment of undocumented immigrants:

Eight and a half million people live in New York City. New York City had 335 murders in 2016. That is down from 352 in 2015. It is the second-lowest murder rate in New York City history, tied with 2013 and just behind 2014’s all-time low of 333.

Shootings, too, are down — below 1,000 last year for the first time on record.

This leaves three possibilities: Jeff Sessions is dishonest; Jeff Sessions is illiterate; or, Jeff Sessions tried to say something true about New York City and murder but, thanks to a witch’s curse placed on him as a young man, is doomed to have all his attempts at communicating with the outside world filtered through a time portal back to the actually crime-frenzied 1970s.

At least one of these three things is true about Jefferson Beauregard Sessions III, who is and will indefinitely remain the single most powerful law enforcement official in the richest nation on the only planet known to host intelligent lifeforms within our entire universe.