John Wayne’s America: An Alternative History

Since Michele Bachmann’s insisting that she wants to live in John Wayne’s America rather than John Wayne Gacy’s, I wouldn’t be doing my job as ThinkProgress’s resident culture nerd if I didn’t take a look at what it might be like to live in the Duke’s Good Old U.S. of A. Among other things we can expect from President Bachmann’s tenure:

1) The U.S. will go back in time, tough it out, and win the Vietnam War through musical theater:

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2) Education professionals will be highly respected, even school bus drivers — especially if they can beat trains in cross-country races:

3) The FBI will vigorously protect Hawaii from the scourge of Communism and loose women:

4) Rich industrialists who want to pursue dangerous construction projects because they’re more expensive will be regarded as scoundrels.

5) The war on drugs will continue: