Satirical ‘NO-Gotiator’ Character Launches Campaign To Derail Iran Nuke Talks

The NO-gotiator CREDIT: YouTube
The NO-gotiator CREDIT: YouTube

“Middle ground is just another word for failure. I do NOT want to make a deal! We deserve it all!”

That’s the motto of the “NO-gotiator,” a satirical character who this week is officially launching his “Getting to No” campaign to educate the public and policy makers on the art of never compromising. The campaign, with its accompanying website, book, video and a social media presence, was timed to coincide with the apex of the talks between the P5+1 and Iran over its nuclear program.

Mik Moore is the creator and spokesperson of the “Getting to No” campaign.

“Opponents of a negotiated settlement that prevents Iran from attaining nuclear weapons, some of whom were openly calling for military action not so long ago, utilize a range of tactics to undermine diplomacy,” he said. “Getting to NO is their playbook and The NO-gotiator is their guide, so we decided to share them with the American people.”

The video shows the NO-gotiator, played by actor Ben Rameaka, in an infomercial-like setting selling his campaign to an enthusiastically favorable audience that openly moans at the slightest suggestion of concession and trade-off.

“Now tell me, little lady. I understand you used to compromise with your parents, is that right?” the No-gotiator tells a young Melissa up on stage.

“Yeah. Man, was that dumb!” Melissa says, explaining how she refused to eat vegetables even with the prospect of enjoying cake and ice cream if she complied. “I’m like ‘no, here’s the deal: I eat zero bites, and you give me a million of pieces cake!’” she boasts.

Melissa says her NO-gotiating position gets her sent to her room with no cake or ice cream, but she still doesn’t have to eat her vegetables. “I don’t care about ice cream, I care about power!” Melissa says.

“See how fast Melissa gets to no? And what are some of her tactics? An unmeetable demand. A willingness to ‘blow it up.’ A secret desire to see the deal collapse. Great stuff. It’s almost exactly the same strategy we used in the government shutdown,” the NO-gotiator tells the audience.

The NO-gotiator then shows how his skills can be applied to talks with Iran over its nuclear program.

Mr. Tomlinson, a fictional State Department official, is invited on stage.

“This country is engaged in very important, very sensitive negotiations with Iran right now. And we’ve got a whole lot of No-gotiators who seem determined to undermine the whole thing. And your book has given them the blueprint to muck up the works,” Mr. Tomlinson tells the NO-gotiator. “Please. An agreement with Iran is possible. Do not buy this book. Do not follow these methods. They are toxic.”

“Toxically effective — and a steal, at $39.99! This is the greatest country on earth, and we do not compromise — do we, No-gotiators?” he asks the audience. “NO!” they respond in unison. Watch it:

The NO-Gotiotor has some more advice on his website for America’s diplomats, who are resuming talks with the Iranians in Vienna this week. “Can someone please explain to me why bombing Iran isn’t a better idea?” he asks. “It’s simple, clean, and effective. And most importantly, it doesn’t involve compromise! We get to decide which bombs to use and where to drop them. Remember, compromise is un-American. Sounds to me like a NO brainer!”