Remember when Michelle Obama hugged the Queen of England?
On April 1, 2009, the eve of that year’s G-20 summit, the first lady met Queen Elizabeth II for the first time. It started as a handshake. But the first lady, in a maneuver that made headlines the world over, allowed her arm to drape over the queen’s shoulder and back. She gave a little squeeze, an endearing breech of royal protocol. To avoid an international incident, a Buckingham Palace spokesperson assured a scandalized globe that, though no one could recall the last time the queen was so familiar with a dignitary or first lady, “It was a mutual and spontaneous display of affection. We don’t issue instructions on not touching the queen.”
Like so many controversies that seem quaint to us now in these borderline-apocalyptic times, the FLOTUS/Q.E. II hug barely seems as chyron-worthy as President Donald Trump’s world tour of singularly abysmal handshakes.
Whether he is clenching his teeth through yet another white-knuckled attempt to remove French President Emmanuel Macron’s arm from its socket or a grip-and-grin so awful that Japanese Prime Minister Shinzo Abe literally rolls his eyes at its long-overdue conclusion, Trump continues to demonstrate a total lack of comprehension over how handshakes actually work. And that’s assuming he doesn’t miss the shake altogether, as he did with German Chancellor Angela Merkel in March. (He got another shot at the G-20 Summit in July; Merkel was so eager to extricate herself from his grasp that she nearly shouted “okay” to signal it was time to let go.)
Considering the way this president has previously declared his affinity for grabbing, maybe Americans should just be grateful these horrendous handshakes constitute the most offensive physical contact Trump has made with fellow world leaders since he took office.
But the handshakes have been notable enough to merit an in-depth analysis by the New York Times, a shoutout in Seth Meyers’ latest installment of “A Closer Look,” and — right on cue! — at least one defensive op-ed insisting the media should “get over Trump’s weird handshakes.”
Why should anyone care about the way the President of the United States shakes hands with other world leaders? Or — perhaps a more relevant concern for all the non-world-leaders out there — in an increasingly casual society, where formal rules of social behavior are disappearing faster than state-sized chunks of ice are breaking off Antarctica, what is the value of proper etiquette?
Dan Post Senning has some impressive etiquette-expert bonafides. In addition to co-hosting the Awesome Etiquette podcast, he is the great-great-grandson of Emily Post. (Yes, that Emily Post.) Given his line of work and his lineage, Senning is, understandably, thrilled that handshakes and the proper execution thereof are enjoying a spin in the news cycle.
“I love that awareness,” he said. “While the traditions of etiquette change and evolve, there are definitely expectations that come from a traditional framework that are valid. They’re important to be aware of.” While any number of these behaviors may scan as “anachronistic to us,” Senning said, “those core values” at the heart of the behaviors remain the same. “Ultimately, the quality of our interactions and relationships are benefited from operating from those principles: consideration, respect and honesty.”
“Good etiquette is about putting other people at ease, making other people comfortable,” Senning said. “That is a core tenant.”
We shouldn’t dismiss everything a handshake can communicate, according to Joe Navarro, who was in the FBI for 25 years (in counterintelligence and counterterrorism) and has since written extensively on body language and non-verbal communication. “It conveys respect. It conveys conviviality. It lets the other person know whether or not you understand social convention,” he said. “The question is, does this person have social intelligence?”
“The question is, does this person have social intelligence?”
Unlike some wonkier elements of etiquette — which fork to use at a swanky dinner party, the dress code distinction between black tie and white tie affairs — handshakes are pretty entry-level. They are relevant in just about any setting, from personal to professional, and across class boundaries. And in a culture in which “the ways we physically interact are strictly prescribed,” Senning said, handshakes hold a particular power. “One of the things about a handshake that is so significant [is that] it’s one of the rare opportunities we have in public life to touch each other.”
“I think people get it. They know what a good handshake is,” Senning said. “It’s a relatively well-understood social interaction.” So even if people can’t articulate exactly what elements make a successful shake, they know it when they see it (or, as a participant, feel it). “I think they want to see that genuine expression of respectful behavior.”
The handshake is “a universal gesture of peace and friendship. Its origins are hundreds of years old. So that’s the spirit you want to approach a handshake with: You offer your hand to someone with no weapon.”
In times when such garments were typically worn, a handshake called for the removal of “your glove or gauntlet.” Eye contact is a must. According to Senning, knights would lift their visor to reveal their face before shaking someone else’s hand. He reiterated that etiquette requires sincerity, which means “you show someone a generous smile.” Maintain a “comfortable social distance” (about 18 inches in the U.S., though these social norms vary across cultures).
“You meet in the vertical plane. You’re not flying in from above or supplicating yourself coming up from below. It’s a physical expression of equality.”
The other tips Senning provides are just common sense, though apparently not so common that our Commander-in-Chief is aware of them: Keep it to three pumps or less, don’t hold on for too long, only use one hand.
But the key takeaway for approaching a handshake seemed to be this one: “You meet as equals,” Senning said. “You meet in the vertical plane. You’re not flying in from above or supplicating yourself coming up from below. It’s a physical expression of equality.”
Though of course Senning is too tactful to say so, this seems to be the root of Trump’s atrocious handshakes. Everything that reads as wrong with them to the average viewer — the overlong, too-strong grip; the unnecessary inclusion of a second hand; the way the whole exercise turns into a white-knuckling arm-wrestling match — comes down to what must be a fundamental misunderstanding of what a handshake is. It is not a demonstration of strength or status. Like all elements of proper etiquette, it is about making another person feel more comfortable, not less. By insisting on asserting his authority in a situation where exactly the opposite intent is called for, Trump is botching one of the most universally understood, easily mastered gestures in the world.
“They come across as somewhere between sophomoric and buffoonery,” Navarro said of Trump’s shakes. “I’m serious. This is the head of state. This is the person that represents all of us and should be exemplary.”
Navarro described Trump’s handshake with Abe as “singularly unctuous.” Trump’s refusal to shake Merkel’s hand? “That is offensive. He was just being a three-year old.” And take the case of Trump trying to literally strong-arm Putin: “You’ve got a 70-plus year old man shaking hands with a guy who rides horses and practices judo. Is it just like, the third grade?”
“They come across as somewhere between sophomoric and buffoonery. I’m serious. This is the head of state.”
“We have a responsibility to each other, [and] not to prove how strong I am. I did that in junior high school,” Navarro said. “How we treat each other is important.”
Senning’s diplomatic take is that etiquette is best deployed as “a tool for self-reflection and self-improvement,” not “to judge and assess other people.”
“If I witnessed somebody do something that makes other people feel uncomfortable, that sends an important reminder to hold myself to a standard of treating people in a way that doesn’t make other people feel that way.” After, all, he said, “It’s not likely that I can do anything to change that person’s behavior.”