What The 2013 Super Bowl Taught Me About Gender

The Super Bowl comes just once a year with its orgy of wings consumption, its highly-anticipated halftime show, the football, and the multi-million dollar ad spots. The latter are a fascinating exhibit of whatever America is thinking about gender — or what advertising executives think America is thinking about gender — at any given moment. And as is always the case, there were babes, beers, and Danica Patrick chipperly selling out the rest of her fellow women for a lot of GoDaddy’s money. But for once, it wasn’t all apocalyptically terrible. Here’s what the Super Bowl taught me about gender in 2013, from best to worst:

The Good:

1. Ladies? We’re just as capable of being passionate sports fans as men — and just as capable of being devious if we think we can snag our team an advantage. Bonus points for turning household chores into a tool of team loyalty:

2. Princesses can lead armies:

3. Real men play princess with their daughters rather than blowing them off to hang out with their bros — even if they need Doritos as incentives:

The Bad

1. Ladies: overly-attached to their mothers:

2. Also, we’re big fans of being lied to in charming fashion, particularly when it involves a guy we’ve never met and our intimate apparel:

3. The polite thing to do after a one-night stand with a woman is to sneak out on her, even if it means undressing her in her sleep:

The Ugly

1. You know what makes you a man? Grabbing a girl, kissing her without her consent — because of course, she’ll love it in the end — and getting punched in the face (bonus points for shark-punching):

2. Sex education is terrifying! Fortunately, there’s a car that will help you distract your offspring: a Kia:

3. Hot chicks must be dumb. Nerds must be ugly. Together, you will find them super-gross and titillating: